I can do a lot of stupid things and by a lot I mean more than you can possibly imagine. ( and double that). From casual stuff working my way up to almost affect my future in a really bad way. But please, don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing this on purpose, honestly. As a matter of fact I have the best intentions most of the time but in certain circumstances, for example one that involves too much stress or too much pressure … you know … Sometimes I snap. And for example if someone snaps, I get it, that person has my total support and I’m not criticising at all ( or not too much ) but when it comes to me, well, that’s a totally different story. Now it’s actually strange looking back then and remember how harsh I was with myself. Excluding the fact that it was really wrong, I was actually thinking that this was a good way to help me improve and succeed with my plans, getting what I want, you know? First of all, it’s not my family’s fault as you may think, nor my friends. (didn’t have too many ) . When I realised how wrong my thinking was, I started to analyse and try to find someone to blame, of course. This being said and giving the fact that it took me almost a year, believe me, it’s not them. So, it wasn’t my family, nor my friends being dicks … And than I realised that I wasted a year looking in the wrong direction. If we will sit together at a table for the first time and we want to get to know each other, I will talk a lot, but this is not the point. Among the first things I will say to you about me is: ” I’m not letting myself influenced by other people at all! ” Why I am presenting myself this way? Because I am proud about this and I will always be, even though it was really hard for me to stay this way. And let me tell you why. You know how in high school you have to act like a wild animal to protect yourself and survive? This meaning that sometimes you had to kiss some asses? Well, I did the protect and survive part, many thanks to Discovery Chanel, but I skipped the kissing one. I wasn’t alone in high school, no sir, but I didn’t have friends. ( Well, I had one but she moved in a different country, hope it’s not because of me. ) I was surrounded by lots of people but I couldn’t trust not even one, because I knew they are not actually my friends, I knew that back then and still do now. I was pushing everyone away because somehow I was able to see or read some of them as they where open books. And because I was acting this way, because I wasn’t fitting into a pattern, they started judging me even more. ( How wonderful! ) And this is how I started doubting myself, having more and more questions about the way I think, act, or see things. Somehow, now that I give it a second look, I was a little bit influenced, but not for long. So, because of this I was the way I stated at the beginning of this article, maybe now it doesn’t make any sense and that’s on me because I am not used to talk about myself this much nor share this with the world, you know? But still. It sounds a little bit like a riddle, what I was thinking, where I am trying to get with this now, who am I? Just joking. 🙂 If I will someday have this power to go back in the future and change something, guess what, I won’t. Why? Glad you asked. Because even though it was hard back then and after that I developed this harsh judgement about myself, even though I was honest saying my truth, my opinion and for that they called me “mean”, I had my family appreciating me, I had my true friend with whom I still talk and most important, all of my actions, my beliefs and even my “evil me”, brought me the most wonderful human I have ever met in my life. The worst and best parts of me brought me a best friend, a partner for whom I have immeasurable respect and feelings. All of it brought me love after all and you don’t know how grateful I am. I sometimes even say to him that I must have done something really good to deserve him. That’s why I will never change the way I am. We are humans, we are different and if we get to understand ourself, beautiful things will start to happen. ( First of all, you won’t give a &*%$ about what other may think or may say, I know I don’t and it feels great ) If you will ever go through a similar thing, please, remember this:
Stay true, stay you!